me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
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So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
I’m ready to try another planet.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
incredible google review i just found
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
It’s the weekend y’all
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”