Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.

[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis

[blind date]

HER: I am so against vaccines

ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone

Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?

In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.

“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.

Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”

friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on

Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?

Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?

Expectant Parent:

Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.

911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]

I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.

#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬

An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?

if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue