ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
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It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
They’re really bad with fonts.
hmmm
prepare for carbonated trouble
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…