Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos

couldn’t resist

astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy

A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.

Maybe I should move.

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”

Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud

How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence

I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.

You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do

Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]

My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?

(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet

I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”