ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
You Might Also Like
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him