Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s time to send me my weekly allowance for cheese

If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

Never forget.

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now

Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

Some guy in the middle of my Nosferatu screening took out his phone and googled ‘Nosferatu’

cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

[on my deathbed]

“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”

*dies*

I wonder if any student will ever top this email.

Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)

[army training]

Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed

my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder

The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°

Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.

McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.

Parts of a worm:
1) Worm

Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.

Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is

Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant