Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
You Might Also Like
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.