Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
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I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
The game has officially changed 😎
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?