Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone

[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying

only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday

I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”

omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks

me: =)

dentist: we have to remove some teeth

me: =;

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.

The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person

[first day as geologist]

me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.

On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid

an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid

Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

Me: Your wifi isn’t working

Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!

Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder

dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.

*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*

“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”

8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard

6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda