Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
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If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.