Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
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“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of