Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

☺️

CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth

[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…

yeah I’m excited for Dune 2

dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you

Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.

Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”

Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.

Her: your SO annoying!

Me: you’re 😐

I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.

God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

True freaking story!

my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…

Me and kiddo listening to music in car:

In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶

Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover

*20 min later at the grocery store*

Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?

Stranger:😳

“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.