Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
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[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
I didn’t realize that was an option
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.