ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
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[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
pelicons
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*
i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.