Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

ME *enters new password*

COMPUTER: Ok

M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?

C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind

Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”

I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.

*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.

I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.

[Christmas]

Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!

Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*

As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.

“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches

My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.

people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so

i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)

My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.