Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I think I have Ebola.”

“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”

“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.

If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.

Missionary, so we can keep arguing

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.

If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.

It can either sync or swim.

I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.

I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.

(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow

Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would

why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?

A leaf blower, but for people.

love it when they get my name right

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.

Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.

Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.

Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?

-my kid who is about to get us burglarized

a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles