ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
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nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket