ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
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The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
getting seasonal up in here
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.