ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
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girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
I would move hell over six inches for you
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Natural selection at its finest
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Left at a local drug store…
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast