ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
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Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Ah yes. The three genders
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day