Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.

Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday

Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”

If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.

Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.

I really had high hopes for this year though

Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies

*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*

Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles

Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.

Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.

[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders

Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest

Stop being racist to kettles.

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

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