Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats

Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?

Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏

Logged into Facebook.

‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’

Logged out of Facebook.

Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?

13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.

Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.

13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash

My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

Genie: You get one wish.

Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.

Genie: Done. *vanishes*

*Checks phone*

Genie is now following you.

Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!

priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.

MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man

420BLAZEIT: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man

I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*

Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.

My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign

I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?

13-year-old: Not that I remember.

Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?

13: I’d rather not.

When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.