me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
You Might Also Like
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Going into Monday like
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.