me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
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If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
me before I type out affect or effect
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father