me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
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“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
pain
