Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?

Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.

For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this

How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?

Ewok’d the rest of the way.

#BearDay #RubbishJokes

my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”

[running amok in flames]

WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?

Mhm.

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk

boy calls me cute: thanks i guess

boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding

“How old are you?”

Things you say to your third child.

How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool

At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?

The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.

[in living room]

Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

salesman: you’ll like this car

me: how many dogs fit in it

salesman: how many what

me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before

Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount

None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.

Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”

Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.

if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

dam girl

ME: Who’s a good boy?

MY DOG: What have you heard?

me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here

therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?

me: haha right on, cya guys

wife: wha-

therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?

8: but grandma let me

Me: well my mom is cooler than yours

Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.