Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.

I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”

I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”

#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..

SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife

I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..

*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together

Well, this explains it:

Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.

[Interview with a Vampire]

Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!

Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*

Important

When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…

My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.

You’re welcome.

“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

😼🖥️

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]

GOD: a rat dog

ANGEL: check

GOD: that whispers to white people

ANGEL: what?

GOD: about the weather

ANGEL:

If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.

*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

Me: I’m here for my photoshoot

X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that