Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture

*stranded on a deserted island*

Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.

It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.

I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it

we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.

I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great

I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.

someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house

Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”

Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys

Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”

When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.