Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.

This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century

*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs

This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.

The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.

Follow me for more life hacks.

Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..

Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?

Roman: Just the one, thanks

Friend: so drinks later?

Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.

Friend: after 5?

Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.

Friend: uh..k?

-LATER-

Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through

*brings pen to sword fight*

Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’

I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”

Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.

At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

[ funeral ]

me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands

her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping

A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.

Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?

…and send

Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY

Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”

Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?