me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
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I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
💀💀💀💀
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”
The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.