Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two elderly British ladies greeting each other

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

I gave a co-worker my word today …

And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …

If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

(at a party)

them: truth or dare.

me: dare.

them: go home.

i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined

If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.

If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.

If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.

*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*

My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.

We met by accident

me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?

Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.

Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.

Her:

Him:

Her:

Him: Be right back…

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful