Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.

I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…

My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?

channeling her this year

Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.

Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.

Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?

It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in

My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out

I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.

Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.

Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.

My life is spiraling out of control.

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead

“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.

Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.