me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
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ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
Well, this explains it:
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death