Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”

[slight drizzle outside]

Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive

If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.

Can you solve the riddle??

This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10

Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?

Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus

Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck

the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off

Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old

[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.

[first date]

-so how do you feel about octopus?

Her: I like em

-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]

[airport]

GF: I guess this is goodbye

ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes

GF: [crying] Goodbye

ME: [trying real hard] Hello

Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy

[watching Boogie Nights]

age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.

age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it