me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
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If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Meow
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.