me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
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I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.
These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.
BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
