me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
You Might Also Like
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
If a snake ate a cake
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there