Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio

After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.

Michelangelo: Why are you naked?

Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?

Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!

Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?

Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.

I’m in your fridge late at night like this!

HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun

People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

Succinctly put.

Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”

I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.

Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.

I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.