Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival

i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick

I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.

“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.

The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said

Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.

“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”

[from the bushes]
“No”

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet

Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today

At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.

Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?

Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…

The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.

“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.

Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken

Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings