Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.

the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened

the girlies are turning into genghis khan

You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……

THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.

THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.

Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?

Me: Contuitively.

I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door

Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

Beauty and the Beast

Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?

The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.

when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

Leftovers are for quitters!

Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

Lmao 😁

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?