Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.

I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

Coworker: What’s twitter like?

Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.

If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…

It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.

[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda

ME: what’s for dinner

KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago

The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone

The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party

[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”

Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.

Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes

Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life

My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.