Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
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Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
I have so many questions.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product