Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters

Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go

i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets

Is Mercury still in the microwave?

My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.

[ first day as a villain ]

him: hi, how are you

me: very evil, thank you

The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.

At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again

My work here is done

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

Doctor: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.

I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”

Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.

Gave myself a steam facial* today

*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face

[assigning roles]

god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth

sun: sounds good

god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves

moon: hell yes

Caveman1: look, I invent wheel

Caveman2: what we do now?

Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel

Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

May never get over this

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

He also looks really rough for a 4 year old

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

3yo: dad I’m swimming!

Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!

3yo: I keep drinking the water!

Me: I know don’t drink the water!

3yo: I just drank more of the water!

Me: please stop drinking the water!

3yo: my belly hurts!