me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
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Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !