me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
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me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.