me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
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There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo