me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

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Having identical twins is great because if you misplace one you have a second copy.


Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single


“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool


{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.


My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.


[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless


ME: hey baby






ME: *looks closer*


ME: oh


On the 5th day god created the Platypus, he then said

“looks cute, might delete later”


my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.


you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you’ve only eaten 3 then 25 arrive at once