Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.

Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.

I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.

Me: No, cakes are expensive.

Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!

Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.

*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*

*you’re cured*

I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.

-The inventor of duct tape, probably

My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.

Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

Finally a use for spoilers…

wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!

me: omg u think im pretty?

John: There are places…

Paul: I remember

George: All my life, though…

Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you

Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does

Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked

Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.

Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.

Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.

It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.