Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.

ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*

The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.

Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!

Me:

Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”

“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog

My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.

*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed

I would love to ker-sploosh this.

Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.

Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?

Me: on the wall!

Hitman: that’s a spider

Me: kill it!

*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?

Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.

My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.

*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?

Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down

My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.

If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.