Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
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yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”