Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
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We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?