ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
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My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint