ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
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I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
So sick of all these stupid rules
I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana