ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
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Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?