Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ

being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool

She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?

I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”

Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?

Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…

Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand

I WON A HAM TODAY

me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense

If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.

on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues*

*I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*

tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.

Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?

Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?

Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here

No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.

A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said

A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.