Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: can you type fast?

me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.

“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named

notice

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.

[Watching the sunset over Paris]

BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*

GF: OH MY GOD!!

BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.

Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?

We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

Saw online –

I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going

The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.

Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?

A. At a secondhand store.

my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.

Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day

Me: ok, how many at night?

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*

Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby

Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.

Me: Was it Don Henley?

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.