Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.

Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.

This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway

🐟✨ #re4

9: Mommy can I have a treat?

Me: It’s close to bedtime so no

9: A tiny piece?

Me: No

9: A molecule? An atom?!

Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino

9: Is that a donut?

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.

I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

Bees: why are all the humans disappearing

Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok

OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?

Pandas 🐼🖤

anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?

Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign

Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice

ME: make a clone of me for my wife

SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]

ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back

WIFE: wait a minute

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

*sewing*

A thread

No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.

“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.

Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.

Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie