me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
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Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.