Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.

My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again

An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…

5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”

No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.

waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket

me: can you just let me go with a warning this time

“How much to go into this haunted house?”

“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”

“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”

TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.

[zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

Retweet to save a life.

#NationalGirlfriendDay

My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.

People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”

Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.

“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.

[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say

If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.