Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

If only.

Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!

I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money

Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else

Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.

Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’

Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?

In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.

Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes

Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”

[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.

why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?

I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.

If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen