Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
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[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.