me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
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Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.