me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
You Might Also Like
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
It will always be this
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]