me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
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Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening