me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
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They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
#CatsOnTwitter
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
My favorite farside!!
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct