me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
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In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written