me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
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“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
best first i’ve ever seen
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
having a job is cool but everydayyy???
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell