me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day
them: is it for an advent calendar
me: no
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Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
