me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day
them: is it for an advent calendar
me: no
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You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch