Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.

Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

Have a nice day 🙂

Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise

I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…

Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.

🗽

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do

My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone

You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?

Meet my cat.

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁