Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
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If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
bury ourselves
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.