Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
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Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
We’ve all been there
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.