Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?

Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.

We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

me: you look thinner

friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh

me: meat

friend: what

me: what

taking melatonin is not enough I need blunt force trauma to the head

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.

You say you like to live your life dangerously, but are we talking drinking coffee at night dangerous or bungee jumping off a bridge dangerous?

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.

My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January

Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.

CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!

Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!

[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!

“What’ll it be?”

[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan

Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.

I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.

My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.

Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.

And now we wait.

The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

Me: Night love.

11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?