Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
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Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.