Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
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Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Important
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.