Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
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People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?