Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
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Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.