Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
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“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Nice try, NASA
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN