Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out

SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.

My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem

Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.

Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM

Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM

There is no winning 🙄

Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.

If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”

“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office

I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.

my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp

*Relationship status*

Me: I’m heading off now.

Wife: Yayyy.

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’