Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

Police officer: You get to make one phone call.

Me: Do I have to?

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.

There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”

Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.

Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.

Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!

Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.

Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO

Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.

WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*

Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…

Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…

Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”

Friend: What’s that you’re reading?

Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”

Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?

Me: $24.99.

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

[at bar]

Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse

*nearby horse slams down his whisky*

COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY

*horse throws the 1st punch*

Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible

My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat

it is time once again

WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.

After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.

Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.

My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23

The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.

I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”