Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
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5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?