Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
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Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp