Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
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Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.